Dealing With Grief: An Infinite Timetable

Grief and all that it brings can be a fickle and unkind mistress in our lives. One minute, we’re feeling some semblance of our “old selves,” and then the very next – we’re in a puddle on the floor.

If you’ve been rocking with me for a minute, then you know that in October of 2022, I lost my paternal grandmother, and that shattered my world in more ways than one. In that time period that followed, I ceased to know who that version of “Kayla” (or “Deni” as y’all know me) I stopped a lot of things that made me who I am, I became depressed, lost my way spiritually for a while, and just was out of it. I didn’t start feeling like myself until sometime last year, and then 2023 came with its own battles and more, but this isn’t about that.

Even in the time that followed and even to this day, I still have grieving moments a lot. Sometimes it’s in the smell of food I make that’s like hers, it’s looking at pictures, it’s just any random day, and any random reason. There’s no shortage of things that can trigger a moment. If there is anything I’ve learned through this process, it is that those triggers will happen ANYTIME, and it doesn’t matter how well you think you’ve healed, it happens.

A lot of people tend to think that they should “be over it by now,” when it comes to grief after it’s been some time, but that’s just not the case. Grief doesn’t have a timetable, although many people like to rush themselves to “feel better.” Truthfully, you can’t. I made this mistake a lot last year, thinking I had to be better now. I had to pull myself together or just work myself through it. However, that’s what’s been messing me up. I’ve been trying to force myself to be better when I didn’t need to rush to be better; I just needed to give myself time and space to breathe and grieve. It will be two years in October and I can honestly say…I’m not over it.

And it takes a lot to admit that, too.

Sometimes we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we are okay. That we’ll be back to “normal” soon, or that we’re already normal. To be honest, we never truly get over grief. We just learn to live with it and do better by how we carry it.

So how do we process grief?

There are a lot of wrong ways and a whole lot of good ways. Truth be told, a lot of people fall into the bad ways first, for which this is a judgment-free zone. Grief can also bring out the ugliness in people; this can be vices they turn to, the reactions of those people, how people speak to us, etc. Sometimes we even have relationships with people that deteriorate altogether. It happens. But the hardest thing we have to do is also the most important thing, and that’s to keep a clear vision of self.

This point right here has been the hardest for me. As my grief has threatened to consume me on days, I lose track and focus of who I am. Oftentimes, I have to remind myself of the woman I am. Even THAT’S hard. But another important thing is to give grace. Give yourself grace. Stop thinking you have to rush back to being who you were before what took place happened. That version of you is outdated. You are now stepping into a new version of yourself. A version that has to feel what’s going on, that has to take the time necessary to heal, a version that may have those days where something that makes your inner self feel a little extra love is needed – don’t neglect yourself in the name of being “better” or “normal.”

Debbie Reynolds ain’t told a lie in that sentence.

I urge you all to do a little better with being kinder to yourselves. Working with what you’ve got and understanding that healing through grief isn’t linear. It may take you some days, weeks, months, — hell, even years. But take it one day at a time, breathe, and be kind.

Lovingly yours,

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