Happy Monday Muses! I’m on Winter Break, my Birthday was a week ago, Christmas was beautiful, and now onto the last couple of loose ends before the New Year are being tied up!
Speaking of loose ends, there’s something I’d like to tie up with a pretty, “Year 28” bow, and that’s well – the year twenty-eight.
What a crazy year 28 has been. I can’t even begin to explain how my emotions feel most of the time. It feels like in some ways; ever since 2022, I’ve had to slowly learn how to breathe again, slowly learn who I am again, learn how to exist outside of my grief, rediscover passion, rediscover joy, live more in the present, and be excited and not fearful of the future.
Since losing my paternal grandma, I have long felt like I didn’t know what to do anymore. There are days where I am sure of my footing so to speak and then days where I stumble and my mind feels like it goes blank or in a fog.
This year, has brought more a more clarity, for that I have my daughter to thank. She gives me the push and drive to be better, to do better, and is a living reminder that my grandma is still with me, even if she’s not in the physical sense. I look in that little girl’s eyes and it’s like looking into the eyes of my grandma. Something so calming, reassuring, and sure about them.
Having my daughter started my own personal path of rebirth. She was the pull out of limbo I needed. The jump start I needed to start my life back up.
The reminder that my grandma is always with me.
Year 28 has held a lot but also I’ve doe a lot of introspective work. A lot of soul searching and something that summed it up is this post on Facebook:
It’s been a lot of healing, trusting, and letting go. The healing happens a little bit day by day, and my biggest lesson with it was I had to learn how to trust and how to let go in order to heal. But, I also had to learn to be patient with myself because healing from the loss of a loved one is not linear and healing is a process that takes a lot of time. You can’t time yourself. I had to learn again how to put my fullest trust in the Lord. I never gave up my trust in the Lord, but when I lost my grandma, I definitely did a lot of questioning, a lot of crying, a lot of fussing, and a lot of asking “why her and why now?”
I went through a time where I asked this again when I found out I was pregnant with the little one. I wanted my grandma here with me to help me. I wanted to have both of my grandmas here.
Ever since I had my daughter, I stare in those eyes in something in me heals a little bit each time. Through every trial with her health in the beginning and everything we didn’t know, the Lord brought us an answer. And as many times as I wished my grandma was here, I was reminded she was with me but also that she got to love on my daughter first.
When I think about trusting again, I think about how again, my trust in the Lord was restored in this year. I trusted in the Lord to renew my faith, restore my soul, guide my steps, and mold me into the version of myself that was ready to step up to bat to be a mom. I also had to trust in the timing of things the Lord has put in my life and on my heart. So many things I thought I wanted or wanted to in certain ways when I needed to realize what the important thing in those things were. Whether that be how me and my fiancé got married, when I graduated college, etc. I have always gone through life thinking that certain things had to be done in a certain order and in a certain way. It’s been a lot of pivoting and a lot of learning that there is more than one way to do anything.
When it comes to letting go, I think that’s the part of the equation that I’m trying to work the hardest on. It’s the thing that is the hardest for me to do. I have so many things that I hold on to. I hold on to the grief, I hold on sometimes to negative or hurtful emotions from previous encounters or conversations, I’m slow to let go of when I’ve been taken out of context, I don’t let go easily when I’ve been hurt (regardless of who by,) and I do well with reminders of when there was a tumultuous period in time if the issue was supposed to be over with. I’m working on being the person that can easily let go of things when it no longer serve me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically; however, I’m finding that the hardest thing ever. It’s hard to let things go, but I know that the hurt things cause needs to be let go in order to heal and move forward. There’s no progress in standing still or looking back.
I wish I had more “profound” words to say about year 28, but I don’t, only the real. It’s just been a lot of figuring out how to navigate this new chapter in my life and all that comes with it. I still have my anxious moments, sometimes they really try me, but then I have to remember; I have a little one watching me now.
What I can say, is that after two years…I can finally feel myself coming out of the fog. I feel inspired to fully create again, I feel the drive to work on my physical health, mental health, spiritual health, and emotional health. I feel the drive to work on myself in each way to be the best version of myself. I feel the drive to fully commit to making this upcoming year of life, the best one yet; to not let this be another year of life on “auto-pilot.” And honestly – I look forward to that feeling. I look forward to the feeling of having a renewed sense of drive to do all the things.
This year is going to be different and it’s going to be amazing. I can’t wait for everything it has to bring.
I spent my twenty-nineth birthday a week ago with my family. Starting with Brunch with my fiancé and babygirl then having dinner with my parents and my brother too. We had cake and Birthday Cake ice cream, which my favorite birthday cake ice cream is made by Mayfield and it’s so HARD to find (shoutout to Publix for having it for me.)
That whole thing when they say it feels like a switch flip when you’re on the other side of your twenties I feel is very true. It’s not even something you can expect to happen at a certain age in your twenties or even once, sometimes it hits twice. I feel like I had one right at 25 and now another one around now. They feel much like epiphanies to me but maybe even on a deeper note.
This is going to be a fun journey, and I hope you all will join me along on this ride. I’ll be back to updating regularly too. I know I’ve *said* that but, I mean it this year and this time. I feel it. It’s going to be awesome.
So, here’s to year 28 going into 29, I pray you all have a wonderful end of 2024 and a wonderful start to 2025!
P.S. A song for you as you “breathe” and begin to wrap-up 2024 and focus on 2025:
You can also open and save on Spotify!
